My eyes are closed, and my breath is too shallow to feel my heartbeat. It smells like pain and the struggle of my life reigns through the dirty clouds in my sky. The darkness is crystal clear as it becomes illuminated by my circumstances. Sounds scratch against the cadence of my eardrums and I bleed the silence of my isolation. Words lock into my throat and dance on my voice box. Clenching my teeth, I press into my senses to take inventory of my surroundings. I can feel my body spinning in stillness, and my stomach going to war with itself. Intensely consumed in my dirt; I am paralyzed in the feeling of shame. My mistakes became habits, my habits became flaws, and my flaws became my character. Succumbed by the weight of my situations I neglected to work on myself. Now, I am the product of my pain and the monster of my fears.
The seduction of death was so loud it felt like I had already made my choice. It seemed so much easier than the existence that I successfully survived but failed to live. I wanted so badly to give in to the darkness and be hugged by the dirt. Pressed beyond the necessary six feet, I no longer wanted to hold onto life. While cherished moments sang in the safety of my memory the noise of my brokenness destroyed their song. I wanted to give up. I was so ready to let go. On one hand, I held the cards inked with words that would give each of my loved ones a portion of my pain. On the other hand, I held the bottle of opioids ready to steal my purpose and seal my fate. Drowning in an entire bottle of wine I thought I muted His frequency, but I heard Him say, “Please don’t, just go to sleep.” Carefully I placed my weapon of self-destruction and my empty notes into a box. I climbed up my stairs and slept.
“The dirty place became the nurturing soil that enabled [me] to grow and blossom in ways [I] would never have experienced sitting in the safety of the greenhouse.” This quote was written by T.D. Jakes in his most recent book, Crushing. The book served as a tug of war between what I know and what I feel. Engaging with the text I was called to a reckoning between fact and truth. Fact: Terrible things have happened to me and statistically I should be dead. Truth: I am more than a conqueror through the power and love of God. T.D. Jakes called me to the carpet, and I was able to rectify the way I processed my suffering. He balances the past, present, and future in a tedious rotation of his words. If you waste time comparing your suffering to the examples he shares from his life; you will miss the point. To pick up this book is to be challenged and encouraged. In reading this text, I was not only given hope, but the clarity on how to mark my journey. I do wish he spent more time illuminating that the process is not linear, but it is a hell of a rollercoaster ride.
I am starting to embrace the volatility of my path and realize the irregularity in my process. Some days I feel like I conquered my deepest regrets and overpowered my fears. Other days I am forced to acknowledge the reality of my choices, and all the time in between I am numb to it all. I am a survivor. I have survived the attack of my own decisions and the choices of others. I wanted someone to snap their fingers and tell me it was just a dream, but it wasn’t. Even after I made the choice to live, I had to grind my teeth in the agony of my life. The transition from seeking death, to deciding to exist, to trying to live; is not an easy one. However, I have a Father in heaven who has been touched with the feelings of my infirmities and by His stripes I am healed.
You may still be engaged in the fight between death and life. Whether this is literal or figurative for you; I pray life wins. People will tell you about your promise, your purpose, and how wonderful you are when you are about to give up. I want to tell you that all of those things are true if you choose them. I realized in my journey that I have to make that choice every day. Am I going to do the things that build me or deplete me? Am I going to allow my past to dictate my actions or am I going to seek a better life for my future? Am I going to give in to the statistical expectation of my cycles or am I going to break through barriers fortified by generations? You have the power of choice. God has given that to all of us. You also have His unrelenting love. I have chosen to lean into it. Will you?
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