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I recently had a chat with my therapist. With tears overwhelming my eyes I explained how much pain I was in. I told her that I didn’t feel like I was making any progress. I shared how every time I felt that I had found a small glimmer of hope I was somehow knocked back three years in time. She told me that feelings are not facts and that we have to direct our feelings and not let them drive our lives. This may make sense to you, but it didn’t make sense to me. I am a ball of feelings. I often have so many of them that there is no flippin’ way I can direct them anywhere.
Theoretically, I get it, but as many of you already know there are times that your emotions are extremely disobedient. You direct, reframe, revisit, discuss, replace, etc. and still end up doing whatever those emotions were leading you to do in the first place. It is LITERALLY like a rollercoaster ride. That’s another thing I find myself doing; quoting clichés more often than ever. Seriously though, they seem so applicable in times of high emotion.
So, I am telling my therapist how this pain is too much and overwhelming. I asked her what I should do. I asked her if she thought I was crazy. What she shared next revolutionized my life.
She told me that healing is painful. She said the increase of pain is not an indication that the process isn’t working, but proof that it is. Then, shared an analogy that I never thought I would be able to connect to. She said her last (third) C-section was the worst she ever had. Then, nodded toward me and said I may relate having had a hysterectomy. She began to tell me how often she called the doctors seeking information on what was wrong, and why there was so much pain. Having medication and all the things that she had the first two times; still, she was not recovering the same as before. Then, her doctor told her that no matter how much pain she was in she had to get up and walk anyway. She had to strengthen her abdominal muscles even though it caused her seemingly unbearable aching.
I thought about my hysterectomy. The hysterectomy cut is similar in form, shape, size, and location. Therefore, I too had a similar experience. I remember having to get up, walk, and move to help my body recover. To lay in bed all day without any movement would be bladder suicide, but also very detrimental to my progress. Had I not gotten out of the bed and tried to walk around my house and eventually up and down the steps I would have prolonged my recovery. Also, I may have recovered incorrectly. However, I knew I couldn’t let the pain keep me from healing.
As we both reflected, I realized that it was the same for my emotional healing. I couldn’t understand why I was constantly dealing with the same ole nonsense from “back in the day.” Why was I crying over the decade-old issues that shouldn’t matter anymore? Well, it was because I kept stopping the process when I felt the pain. Then, a new situation would occur and add to the trauma that hadn’t been dealt with and the pile-up continued over time.
Now, I get it. It’s like a lightbulb went off and it’s clear. The pain I endure in these moments are proof of life and healing. To be without pain is to be dead or numb, and I am not interested in being either of those.
When you choose to deal with the things that have happened to you. You will FEEL PAIN. It will hurt so badly!!! Just remember that what you feel is not a reflection of backward steps, but forward movement. Get up and walk through your process even when you feel pain. Do not let what you are feeling keep you from completing your journey to wholeness. Cry, scream, sing, shout, dance, yell… do whatever you must, but keep going.
I am at the point in my healing journey where I typically get off the train and abandon the process because it hurts so much, but this time I AM CHOOSING THE PAIN.
I invite you to join me in taking a walk through the pain so we can reach completion in our journey towards healing.
What will you choose?
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