If you’ve read some of my past posts, you will gather that I usually don’t feel good enough for the things I pursue. The world of psychology created a term for this called Imposter Syndrome. The AI overview tells me that:
Imposter Syndrome is a psychological experience in which someone feels like a fraud or incompetent, even when they have evidence of their success. It can manifest in many areas of life, including work, school, relationships, and hobbies.
See, the problem with building resilience against this is that I am nit-picky about definitions. “…even when they have evidence of their success.” But I don’t have evidence, so I feel like an imposter. Evidence and success are so subjective in the application of this definition that I want to fight the words on the AI Overview!! Like, what are you talking about?! If I have Imposter Syndrome, then I clearly have no evidence of success or that I belong in the spaces that I am feeling this way in. Ah, there is that word again, belong. Yall, I did my dissertation on belonging and thought I was done with the word after defending. Now, that’s all people want to talk about because it’s softer on the ears of racists than words like diversity, inclusion, equity, equality, and the like. Don’t get me wrong, I think the ink of those words has been long washed by society's overuse and misuse of the terms, but belonging is this weird catch-all phrase that means nothing and everything all at the same time.
Anyway, I digress. The AI Overview tells me that tenants of Imposter Syndrome are:
Self-doubt
Negative Self-Talk
Perfectionism
Anxiety and Depression
Fear of Being Exposed
Wow! I check all those boxes. The only thing I don’t feel like an imposter about is being an imposter. These boxes feel cozy. I have rested in this syndrome because to address each component means WORK. Going back to the definition, I must work to find the evidence of success that I have ignored or be willing to put in the work to learn what I realize I do not know: evidence. I don’t know about yall, but I love a good “woe is me” self-talk monologue. Even now, as I work on my first blog post of the year, intending to write on my blog a heck of a lot more than I have done since I started it, I have to work against the paralytic blood pumping through my veins injected by my mind that is telling me: No one cares what you have to say. Who even reads this blog, anyway? You’re saying the same thing everyone else is with worse grammar and an elementary vocabulary.
So, you may ask, “How did you end up writing this post with all those thoughts and feelings?” Welp, I have come to a new understanding that resilient rhema is not just words about how to be resilient, but words forged through resilience to make their way onto the page. They fight to get typed and work even harder to get added to this blog. Especially when Microsoft Word and Grammarly’s stupid live editing red marks flood this page as I write. Bruh, talk about underscoring the negative! Can we get an AI editor that underlines all your good sentences? I would like the line color to be green, please; thank you!
Seriously though, my plan this year and for whatever time I have left on this earth is to live beyond my emotions and rest in the plan that The Father has for me. I will do everything as unto Him so I know that if a door gets shut, He will make a different way, or He is telling me that it’s not my path. This approach to life is a hard one for me. My emotions love me, chile! My feelings talk to me, help me think, help me move, manage my boundaries, remind me of who I am, and give me the words to say to others. In them, I live and move and have my …
YIKES! That’s not how that scripture goes. I can’t live a life that blasphemes the word of the Lord, intentionally or not, because it is IN HIM that I move and live and have my being (Acts 17:28).
I am not going to sugarcoat it for myself or you. It’s not easy for me to live by The Spirit and still give my emotions room to breathe. Futile attempts at this in the past made me disingenuous and inauthentic. So, I say to you and me: Let’s seek God’s plan, thoughts, and comfort. He will sustain you in every place that He puts you in.
And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? – Romans 8:30-31 (NIV)
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