Photo by Jessica Felicio on Unsplash
I woke up this morning with a longing in my heart for the things I already have. It’s crazy how the anticipation of change can cause you to live in an emotional tomorrow that may never come and is most certainly out of your control. I had to take a minute and sit with myself to process this search for what is right in front of me. I came to realize that I spend a lot of energy trying to control circumstances over which I have limited power. Sometimes I feel for things that have not yet happened, but I must let myself feel it rather than try to push it aside. Therefore, I decided to train my mind not to punish my heart for feeling, but to support it through the process of emotion. This has allowed me to give a clear voice to what I am thinking and feeling. I am certainly one who starts to stumble over my words when I am fighting the feelings of my heart. I confuse myself and those I am trying to share with, and it makes for an extremely difficult conversation. I also have allowed my logical mind to shame my heart for emotions that it deems to not make any sense.
This has been extremely unhealthy for me and made some interactions with those I love deeply harder than they ever should have been. To deal with this internal fight, I have escaped to mentally living in a euphoric cloud that deceives me from reality. I have also tried to numb my emotions in an effort not to feel anything at all. You don’t need me to tell you, none of these were successful! So, I would become angry with myself for not being able to bottle it up and keep it inside. I was always frustrated with my feelings because they felt like they had no place and made no logical sense. Thus, making me feel misunderstood even by those who know me better than I know myself at times. Emotions are hard. Say it with me: EMOTIONS ARE HARD!!
Are they really?...
Emotions and feelings are what they are. They mean a lot and they have a memory bank that is stronger than any other remembrance practice. I am learning (not have learned) that my emotional shifts and changes flow easily when I do not fight them. They don’t need space to exist, but to flow through the moments for which they come. Emotions and feelings will respond to how you treat them. If you fight them, they will fight back. If you deny them, they will deny you. If you let them come with easy acknowledgment and free passage, they will help you understand yourself and potentially connect with others. I am an emotional person. I move through this world based on how I feel. Many have criticized me for that over my lifetime; especially growing up. People would say:
“You wear your feelings on your sleeve!”
“Let your emotions be the caboose and not the engine of your life.”
“You’re an extremist.”
I could go on, but let’s not give those words any more exposure. The point I have reached in my life is honoring who I am as a sensitive, emotional, and compassionate person. I don’t want to hide anymore. This is a bold move for me. This works against the things that I have been taught about what being strong is all about. Now, of course, I will find balance. I don’t trust everyone with how I am feeling. So, the emotional expression will be managed by my logical side. However, I believe this will be easier since I will not have a buildup of feelings that I denied myself the space to process.
Your emotions don’t make you weak or less reasonable. Just because you feel a lot doesn’t mean you can’t make effective decisions. Don’t judge yourself or let others judge you for being who you are. If you need help balancing emotion with logic, find someone to support you with that (I certainly have!). Your feelings are not wrong or right. They shouldn’t be judged and punished. They should be given the space and time to process and flow on through. Don’t try to resist them or hold tight to them.
Let go, let flow.
