Photo by Diego Rosa on Unsplash
This morning I went for my morning run. Don’t get it confused I have only been at this for a few weeks, but the routine is beginning to fit me like a customized glove. While I was running, I looked up and watched The Trinity paint a new sky for today’s covering. I started to get excited! I started to tell God thank you. Then, “I Got That” by Anthony Brown and Group Therapy came through my shuffle and I began to dance while I was running. The words sang into my ear so plainly. “I got that V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! I got no reason to fear. I got Jesus on my side.” My dance quickly turned into a shout. I forgot all about my workout app that was cueing me to walk and run and various times. I am overwhelmed with gratitude because I would not have made it! I am telling you I SHOULD NOT have made it! Wait, let me clarify... I DID NOT WANT TO MAKE IT! Here me when I tell you. I was not quoting scriptures in my pain. I was not about that listening to sermons and reading my bible life. I was not going to church because I blamed the church folk for parts of my suffering.
Today I reflect on July 2019 and I know for so many people it was a better day, but for me this time last year was insurmountably worst. I am telling you this because I realized that God’s power, His love, His will held me when I thought I was drowning. His reach extended every time I stepped farther away. My Father in heaven suffered long with me as I fought against His will to breathe life in me. I hated the days and the futile efforts I made to become well felt like they were working against me. I fantasied about no longer existing. I would close my eyes and pretend I wasn’t there because I could not find enough self-will to make it permanent. My friends would call and encourage me. I was living with the most loving person I will ever know. However, the pain that I brought with me into her loving atmosphere fought against her comfort. The words from friends and the familiarity of family could not heal my wounds and every breath I took felt harder than the breath before it.
Why am I telling you this? I want you to know that you will make it. In my darkest moments, those are the words I remember most and had the ones with the deepest impact. For someone to look at me and say, “You will be okay,” and believe every word like they saw a strength that I was blind to. Well, they were right. While I can’t look you in the eye right now and I don’t know your suffering. I want to tell you from one sufferer to another:
You will be okay.
I don’t care what religion or non-religion you affiliate yourself with. Be encouraged today. I won’t dare dream for you. People did that to me, and it weight down on me like pressure from the inside because I knew I couldn’t meet their expectations. No, I won’t do that to you. Please know, whatever your trial and hardship is you can make it. Whatever making it looks like. You can overcome. You are not forgotten, and your life is worth living. Do not let your pain lie to you and tell you to give up. Do not let your brokenness tell you that things won’t get fixed. Do not let your struggle tell you that you are not strong enough.
I invite you to pray:
“Father, this hurts and I cannot bear this pain any longer. I am overwhelmed by all that is happening and I feel like you have abandoned me. I don’t know where you are or what you are doing, but please send help. I don’t have scriptures to quote and sermons feel like a temporary high that only lasts through the benediction. Help me! I need you! Amen.”
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