Photo Credit: Sharon McCutcheon
I sit and reflect on the times that I felt most relieved from my suffering or my sin. I realize it wasn’t from running to the altar at church or beating myself up about how I got into the situation. No, the most freeing moments were the times I ran to God. Most people think and were taught that running to God means responding to the altar call at the end of service. Maybe for you, it was calling your pastor to confess your sin and share your pain. From my experience, it was the snot-nosed, cradled on my living room floor, sobbing through breathes heavy with shame that provided real progress towards healing.
I always had a problem running to God with my sin and pain. I wanted to be perfect rather than be perfected. My struggle intensified because I wouldn’t tell on myself or tell Him about what was hurting me. I was more likely to tell a friend, mentor, or pastor; but to confess to The Almighty was unthinkable for me. Desperate to be pure before I talked to the only one that could make me clean; I hid myself. Like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden I wanted to hide my nakedness from God. I didn’t want him to see me weak, hurting, and especially in sin. I would take whatever time I thought was necessary based on what I had done and distance myself from The Father.
Growing up, I was rejected by my dad when I did something that displeased him. I can recall overhearing his telephone conversations where he shared with the listener that his daughter doesn’t behave in the manner that I had. One day, after an argument with him, he said to me; “I got rid of your mother a long time ago.” I interpreted this to mean that my actions caused him to reflect on my mother’s past behaviors that displeased him. In our most heated times of disagreement, he would tell me to change my name. Not just my last name, but my first name too. He would tell me that he named me Rachel and passed his surname, Fredericks, down to me; therefore, both belonged to him. I remember making up my new name: Nicole Grace Washington. Nicole because many people would say I looked more like a “Nicole” than I did a “Rachel.” Grace because I so desperately wanted some in my life. Washington because it felt like a strong and stable name; reflecting what I desired to feel inwardly. For a few hours I tried to convince people of my new name. If my father wanted his names back; he could have them.
I didn’t realize that I was translating my natural father’s behaviors to the relationship with my Heavenly Father. Showing any signs of weakness or getting entangled in sin; I just knew The Father would reject me. I felt He would strip away my positions of Christian, Redeemed, His Daughter, His Servant, and His Friend. So, I had to clean up, which means punish myself before I felt worthy to reach out to Him. My self-sentencing was not externally recognizable, but the free gift of forgiveness I rejected based on how bad my actions were. I know you may be thinking: Well, that’s what sin does; it separates us from The Father. However, what I was doing was telling Jesus that His torture, death, burial, and resurrection was not enough to atone for my sin or heal the pain I was feeling.
When you snitch to God about any and every situation the healing processes immediately begins. Jesus Christ already paid for your sin and felt the feelings of your suffering. Be the snitch that tells The Father what He already knows because confession and surrender are parts of the healing process. It wasn’t until my darkest and gravest moments of pain and sin that I realized the only one who could help was God because I couldn’t help myself. There wasn’t a church, friend, family, pastor, or even enemy able to ease my suffering. Every time I have a moment of sorrow that riddled with the plea to reconnect with The Father; He stitched my wounds and monitored my recovery.
This is true more today, than it was before. Our church buildings have been temporarily closed, our closest friends have to keep their distance, and all the business we used to distract us from this snitching experience is gone. Maybe your maximization of this isolation is not only about production, but also about healing. Each one of us is different, and The Father customizes the healing process for His children. However, He has given us free will. We can choose whether we want to condemn ourselves or allow Him to begin His work.
You may say, “I have too many wounds that need to be stitched up.” If you don’t start the process, however long it may take, you will only develop new wounds and the old ones will become increasingly infected. I know this from my own experiences. I am snitching now to receive cleansing and stitching for wounds that happened a long time ago. I find myself struggling through the time God takes to clean the wound before He can begin to stitch it. It hurts, it bubbles up the memories of what happened as it washes away the infection. The time it takes to clean, stitch, and heal the wound depends on how deep and infected it is. No matter how long it may take; I decided that I no longer wanted to walk through life wounded. What will your decision be? Will you snitch to get your stitches?
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