Photo by Marc-Olivier Jodoin on Unsplash
As I sit and wrestle against silence to put words on paper to help you understand this moment, I hope you hear me. God tells us that He is all-knowing. He reminds us in His word that we cannot even fathom the things that He has designed and planned out. Yet we consistently try to create the steps in our lives that struggle to bring us to the place of fulfillment we so desperately seek.
Recently, I participated in a discussion with one of The Little Rock Nine students as a staff support for a program at the university I work for. It was her choice, her bravery, her willingness, and her hope for change that she could not have seen during that time in her life that spoke to me the most. It was the efforts she made in the unseen vision that allow me to find purpose today working at a university that was founded to empower white supremacy and drench the foundation of America’s future with the blood of my enslaved ancestors. It was her and the many before her that allow me to abide in a position where I coach the descendants of the very people who would have burned this place down before they let my brown feet touch their sacred space.
When my life shifted me here, I did not quite understand God’s plan. I was confused about what He was doing. As I gripped the small memories of prophecy and promise that were spoken in my life over the years; it just didn’t seem to add up. I thought that God was punishing me for something I had done. I just knew that He placed me here because I had not pleased Him in my prior assignments. I cried tears of confusion and pain. I was carried here on the hopes of others who love me dearly and could envision the unseen that I was blind to.
Today, as I celebrate the one-year anniversary of my move into the unknown. I watch God in anticipation, expectation, and reflection of all that He has done and all that He is going to do. Never did I think this city girl from the busy streets of New York and New Jersey would fall in love with a small rural community in the south. A year ago, I felt displaced and alone and now I feel planted and supported by the beautiful people that surround my life.
I thought I knew what I needed when I walked away from my doctoral program, my marriage, my house, my church, my friends, my family, and the familiarity of my surroundings. However, I did not. Never did I think I needed to be here where love has abounded in ways I could never have imagined. I thank God for knowing what I need and leaving some of my prayers unanswered to give me His absolute best.
I write this to encourage you in the places that God will have you go that feel absurd. When it’s hard to rest in His decision; just hold on. In seasons of complete distress and uncertainty; just hold on. Squeeze His unchanging hand as hard as you need to. Trust me, He can handle it. After gritting your teeth, tightly closing your eyes to hold back tears, and holding your breath you will look up and find the beauty in the tumultuous shift from tragedy. You will exhale the pain and exhaustion and inhale the empowerment of your experience with God. You will open your mouth and sing aloud His praises not just because He has done something for you, but because you have experienced Him personally. What I had only heard or read about concerning my Heavenly Father I have now been elevated in a permanent position where I am always able to see Him.
“My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you.” – Job 42:5
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